Tantrums
Overview
Tantrums are emotional outbursts in response to frustration. Young children may have tantrums that involve crying, whining, hitting, kicking, yelling, or even holding their breath.
Tantrums are a normal part of childhood development. After age 4, a child usually learns better ways to communicate and express frustration.
Each child is born with a unique temperament, and some are more likely than others to have tantrums. While tantrums can be frustrating for parents, try to stay calm and remember that they’re a normal part of child development.
If your child is over age 4 and still having tantrums, or if the tantrums are getting worse, schedule an appointment with their doctor.
Causes
A young child may use a tantrum to assert independence or as a way to get their own way. Generally, tantrums start around 12 to 18 months and may:
- Get worse between ages 2 and 3.
- Improve between ages 3 and 4.
- Stop after age 4, when kids can better control frustrations and communicate their needs.
Tantrums may be more likely to happen when your child’s sick, hungry, or tired. In younger children with a limited vocabulary, tantrums may occur when they can’t effectively communicate what they want.
As your baby begins to crawl or walk, things that were once out of reach now become accessible. You’ll likely find yourself saying "no" more often, and your child may respond to each "no" with frustration and possibly a tantrum.
Your child's unique temperament, or how they typically respond to certain situations and people, plays a role in tantrums. Knowing your child's temperament can help you prepare them for a situation that could lead to a tantrum.
Prevention
The best way to prevent a tantrum is to anticipate and reduce expected frustration levels for your child.
- Make sure your child sleeps and eats on a regular schedule.
- Prepare your child for a task or new situation. For instance, if you’re going to walk by the toy store, tell them in advance that you won’t be going in, but that you can look in the window together.
- Look for opportunities to reward good behavior with praise and hugs.
- Baby-proof your home, or at least one room. This way, you don’t have to constantly say "no.” Hearing "no" repeatedly and not being able to communicate clearly in response can frustrate a young child, which may lead to frequent tantrums.
Getting plenty of rest is important to help kids manage frustrations during the day.
- Make sure your child naps or has quiet time. If they don’t sleep, they can still lie down and relax or read a book for 15 to 20 minutes once or twice each day.
- Don’t use a nap or quiet time as punishment.
Try to use a positive, upbeat tone when instructing your child to do something. Say, "If you pick up this toy, we can go play outside" instead of ordering them to "Pick up your toy right now."
Pick your battles with a growing child. Say "no" only to important things like those behaviors that will hurt your child or others, such as touching a hot stove. Saying "no" to wearing one red sock and one blue sock isn't important and isn't worth provoking a tantrum.
As toddlers become more independent, they like to make more decisions and explore their world. Whenever possible, give your child 2 or 3 choices and let the child select. For instance, show them 3 books and let them pick which to read. Children who are given some independence are more likely to follow the rules when it matters.
The way you respond to your child's behavior can make it better or worse. It’s important to stay calm during a tantrum. Children often imitate their parents' behaviors, so if you act out in frustration, your child may too.
Managing a Tantrum
You’ll probably get lots of advice from well-meaning friends and family about how to manage your child during a tantrum.
Remember that your child has a unique personality and temperament. If your friend or family member's child doesn’t have tantrums, that doesn’t mean they’re doing something better than you are as a parent.
- Knowing your child's temperament can help you understand what causes tantrums and make them easier to manage.
- Know that a particular response may work well in one child but not another.
It may take a few attempts to learn the best way to manage your child's tantrum, depending on the situation or cause.
How to respond to tantrums
Try to distract your child if you see a tantrum developing. Young children have short attention spans and can be easily distracted. Try moving your child to another room or taking the child outdoors for a change of scenery.
If you’re in a safe environment (such as your home), you can try ignoring the tantrum. Walk away into another room. If you ignore the tantrum, your child has no audience and must find another way to communicate with you. This may reduce the length and severity of the outburst.
If your child follows you into another room and continues or starts the tantrum again, walk away once more. Do not react or speak to your child until the tantrum stops.
Once they’re calm, speak with your child about the issue that triggered the tantrum and give the child alternative behaviors to handle frustration. For example, tell your child to "use your words instead of having a tantrum, and I will listen."
If you’re in a public place, calmly remove your child to a quieter area, such as a corner or your car, until the tantrum subsides.
When to Call Us
While most tantrums are a normal part of development, in some cases it’s important to speak with your child’s doctor.
Call the Advice and Appointment Call Center if your child:
- Complains of severe headaches or stomachaches.
- Refuses to eat or sleep.
- Routinely starts holding their breath during a tantrum.
- Suddenly becomes "clingy" or teary or shows signs of anxiety.
- Engages in behavior that gets worse instead of better.
Call us right away if your child's tantrums are so frustrating that you’re worried about losing control. Ask a trusted adult to watch your child so you can take a break.
Where to get help
If you’re interested in working on positive parenting or need some guidance, we offer individual support by phone or video visit, and in some areas, classes.
Please contact your child's doctor to request an appointment with a health educator. For young children ages 0 to 5, we offer sessions for parents on:
- Feeding
- Sleep
- Potty training
- Behavior/temperament
We also offer appointments on healthy eating and active living for parents of children ages 6 to 17.
Contact your Health Education Department to learn about other classes that may be available.
Additional References
Disclaimer
If you have an emergency medical condition, call 911 or go to the nearest hospital. An emergency medical condition is any of the following: (1) a medical condition that manifests itself by acute symptoms of sufficient severity (including severe pain) such that you could reasonably expect the absence of immediate medical attention to result in serious jeopardy to your health or body functions or organs; (2) active labor when there isn't enough time for safe transfer to a Plan hospital (or designated hospital) before delivery, or if transfer poses a threat to your (or your unborn child's) health and safety, or (3) a mental disorder that manifests itself by acute symptoms of sufficient severity such that either you are an immediate danger to yourself or others, or you are not immediately able to provide for, or use, food, shelter, or clothing, due to the mental disorder.
This information is not intended to diagnose health problems or to take the place of specific medical advice or care you receive from your physician or other health care professional. If you have persistent health problems, or if you have additional questions, please consult with your doctor. If you have questions or need more information about your medication, please speak to your pharmacist. Kaiser Permanente does not endorse the medications or products mentioned. Any trade names listed are for easy identification only.