Healthy Kids

Raising a Well-Behaved Child

As parents, your goal is to raise a child who becomes a good adult. A person respected and admired by others, who contributes to the world, and who enjoys life.

Part of your job is to be a warm, caring, and an endlessly patient teacher. After all, you are the person most responsible for teaching your child how to grow into that respected, admired, and happy person.

To succeed at this job you must set limits for your child. Children thrive when they know what is expected of them, how they should behave, and what the consequences are for not behaving. They need clear boundaries. This makes them feel safe and allows them to behave in a way that makes them and you feel proud.

Here are some ideas for raising a well-behaved child:

Never give in to a tantrum. If you buy candy in the supermarket checkout line after your child throws a tantrum, she learns that the next time all she has to do is pitch a fit to get candy.

Tell your child what is expected of her. Make a trip to the grocery store when you don’t really need to buy much. Explain that you will be quick and that you expect her to stay with you and not cry, fuss, or yell. Tell her that you are not buying any candy and that if she makes a fuss you will leave the store.

Follow through. If she fusses for candy, leave the store immediately. Don’t warn her again or talk about the candy. Leave your cart where it is and walk out, even if she yells louder. This may sound hard to do, but other parents in the grocery store will understand exactly what you are going through. So will the people who work in the store. Explain to your child in simple words that she did not do what you expected of her this time, but you know she will do better next time. Give her another chance to succeed soon. When she does, tell her how well she did. For that matter, tell everyone how well she did.

Be consistent. Don’t change your rules and expectations from day to day. Make sure the other adults in your child’s life do the same.

Support your partner's decisions. If you disagree with how your partner handles a question of discipline, don’t say so in front of your child. Wait and talk about it out of her hearing. For example, if your partner tells your daughter that it is time for bed, it may seem harmless for you to say, “Just let her finish playing this game.” This teaches your child that she can manipulate you by asking the other parent when she wants something.

Avoid using labels. Your child believes what you say about her. Instead of telling her she is a brat when she throws a tantrum, tell her you don’t like the way she is acting. Calling her names teaches her to do the same thing. When she is acting the way you want her to, try not to tell her she is a “good girl.” She will learn more if you tell her specifically what she did well.

Don’t get physical. Hitting or spanking teaches your child to use physical means to solve problems. It tells her that violence is OK. You also miss a chance to set a good example by using your words. If you are feeling angry or stressed, take a break for some deep breaths or fresh air. You can tell your child you both need a time out. Then, return and talk about what she did wrong and how to do a better job next time.

Be empathetic. If you can understand what your child is feeling, you can often understand why she is misbehaving and help her avoid future problems.

Check out this article by the American Academy of Pediatrics for more ideas about how to discipline your child.